My Torched Mind: The Story of how I came to be.

Ismail Ax

"Outrun your problem" Initiate
In our trips to the city for something that was supposed to be a grocery shop trip, family reunions always occurred and I would be brought to stay with my sister while also using her computer when she's sleeping as my relatives were out running errands. It was a good idea since I never fathomed strolling around the grocery store like other children had to do.

I much rathered sinking my time into the computer as much as possible until my relatives got back. Especially after the death of the desktop that was owned from an unknown virus and my mother refusing to take it to the shop to get it repaired which then lead to it just sitting there.

Even then to this day, that desktop's still in that abandoned house with stuff that wasn't necessary to take with us when we departed. A gifted Windows XP model which was my favorite out of the Windows series due to it's simple nature and the first I started with on my online binge.

If it wasn't for the fact of it being unfortunately weak when it came to hardcore gaming, it'd be my chosen preference but wasn't like that and my folks wasn't about to spend hundreds for a high-powered PC due to the risk of me "not knowing" how to use it.

Ironically, it would've saved them a lot more than what happened with succeeding computers due to how games were the arguably first part that I loved about online. Just that the ones I picked were over-powered for the hardware that I had and my folks being too out of touch to really know the difference and getting whatever is cheap on the budget.

In a time-machine going back to those moments, a strong PC which gaming computers was the strongest that could've been used and especially recommended for my addiction to the game Roblox would've been repeatedly recommended and could've saved a lot of dead computers going forward and my mother's rage out of it.

It's sad that one game that I just wanted to play ended up destroying a lot of computers, but it's the poverty line and budget that caused that.

I was just naive and still wanted to play a game I enjoyed, could've been avoided if my folks listened to my mixed mind of a gift and natural naivety but it only takes so much before one caves to pressure.

Ignorance is bliss in most and my folks were not stranger to that.
 

Ismail Ax

"Outrun your problem" Initiate
As for this repeated reunion that wasn't even a reunion at all and was common, I enjoyed also playing with the dogs my sister had. Later on, there would be a crazy thing that happened when one of my sister's dogs was playing in the yard but it was calm for now.

Off-and-on, we would repeatedly make trips until it got too unbearable and my mother also wanted something more than the rat-infested shack we lived in. It involved moving to a different state and before that happened, we had to stay with my sister for a while which she would again fed up out of the shared conundrum and depart to somewhere else once again.

Came October after my birthday, I got my costume that I got in the weeks prior which I dressed up as a Grim Reaper or some sort and was ready to trick or treat but in the city due to the town having nothing to offer at all. For some reason before we were getting to leave, my relative handed me a dustbin with a literal crushed rat on it.


It freaked me out at the time even if the rodent was dead. It was the graphic view that the mouse-trap had crushed the spine of the rat, killing it and it was basically the size of an human hand as well which didn't make things better. Upon seeing this, I just ran out. Didn't even touch it as my relative instructed me to throw it away.

I hated seeing dead things, just didn't sit well with me. Dead animals were freaky, dead rodents were freaky, hell, even dead small roaches were freaky. It was the factor of it not moving anymore and is just a bodiment of flesh and meat made my whole being cringe. When it would move, it would be less freaky due to it still being alive but I just couldn't see the naturality of that.

Death was always a freaky thing when that being or thing is no longer there and is just gone, being nothing but a sack of what was once there. Couldn't cope with it, even if I tried... If there was any limit I had, it was seeing dead things. Probably it's my fault for not grasping it better or my peers' fault for not teaching me how to cope.

Regardless, it was a no-no and was final in my mind until further notice.
 

Ismail Ax

"Outrun your problem" Initiate
2013:
It was a new year, I had recently turned 9 and my mother was keen on leaving our state. Before-hand, she still needed to work some stuff out and plan where to head off to once again that didn't lead to the mistake we did from the previous road-trip to another state.


We left the house after that and went towards my sister's house which we arrived at night, there was a shared division where there was about three rooms and only two bathrooms which was an annoying thing for about 5 people but there was always a problem with numbers and rooms for some strange fate. Never equal spaces unless a mansion was bought to accommodate for such stuff, very much impossible for the line of my family. Was still made to work, fortunately.

One day happened where I was using my sister's computer and my mother just stormed in one day, my mother stormed in me distraught for some reason and immediately telling me that my sister's dog dug up a dead animal buried in our back-yard.

I was actually confused by the whole thing and kinda wanted to see as my mother told me no which was I subtly annoyed by.

Apparently, the previous owners of the house had an animal themselves and probably put it down at some point which led to it getting a smell as my sister's dog found it later on as we moved there.

It was kinda strange to me and when I went into the backyard myself one day, the hole that was dug was nowhere to be found. Which left me wondering if it was a lie or it was covered back up with dirt.

Regardless, it was kinda strange to me. Never thought that would've been a thing in my life which it never did, but it was left alone soon after.
 

Ismail Ax

"Outrun your problem" Initiate
In the months up until my sister's departure from it due to not being able to stay in shared places for long, it was pretty hell. My sister and my mother would repeatedly have arguments out of it, but it was less intense compared to our previous involuntary roommate program.

I looked on as I was using my sister's borrowed laptop until I had to give it up at times which pissed me off as she did so to spite my mother out of it, no clue why I had to pay for it but my sister was resentful and a bitch like that.

It got annoying one day when I did something to her computer in a trick, so it wouldn't work right. Until she came out complaining and blackmailing unless I fixed it which I reluctantly did since she was about to do something my mother asked her for. The roommate program was never going to last from these incidents, so my sister then departed away.

As we helped her move out, my relative viciously yelled at me for no reason which lead to me bursting out in tears from it. Out of a rare occurrence, my mother actually spoke down to my relative for yelling at me like that except her argument was the equivalent that "Only I can yell at him and not you".

A twisted way of defending me, but I was just busy wallowing from my quick-acting emotions. My relative's defense made sense, but I just couldn't grasp it at the time. At my age, I was treated like I was older for some reason and it just scarred my thinking.

Whatever it was, I was not ready for it. Not even my sister got the amount of tone I got when spoken to and that wasn't really a good way to speak towards children. I'd have been better off with someone else in that case, but foster homes were a scary thing to me and my mother fed off that fear to continue her behavior with me.

If I was in her shoes, wouldn't even go by the fucked-up tactics she did to show strong-arm.
 

Ismail Ax

"Outrun your problem" Initiate
Chapter 9: The Depressive Downfall of Ismail:

Come a few months, we had to pack up and leave once again as it was tiring and our location was tiring. This time was moving out of state once again, but this time for a while. Me and my mother still had our feud and such, even to the point where before we left, I again got into another argument with her. To the point where she threatened to abandon me living with my sister and her hellish husband, that was basically a no-go for me. I was stuck in a no-win situation.

I mean, the strange part is that my sister wasn't that bad compared to my mother at the time. She just did everything her bad-boy thug boyfriend said and that included mistreating me. She was about on par, if not worse than my mother's ways of doing things.

The only thing that I liked was having some free will to do what I pleased and could eat as much fast-food as I pleased since she always had the money and didn't exactly care. Still came with a price unfortunately.


Living with her, no telling what would've happened. Either way, I was going to get sent back with my mother anyway or put up in some system eventually especially when it was yearly which I don't believe my sister was up for the task.

Ironically, my sister wouldn't be that bad of a mother if she didn't marry a complete piece of shit. She wasn't loyal, not like my mother was either but she gave me more free will compared to living with a mother who was very strict and very threatening when the lines were crossed.

It was pure hell. Compared to other mothers who actually side with their children no matter what, even if they were truly wrong and let's say even went as far as even killing. Nothing broke their love for their offspring. I step out of the boundaries, my mother would put that over even her offspring. It's as because I didn't know at the time, but she never really did have a true love for offspring to begin with. Only being devoted to her faith.

Never actually knew at the time until the moment of writing this sentence, but she was the type to believe in her religion of "doing the right thing". Nothing, not even offspring could break that tie as she was strongly devoted to it. Even when shit went wrong in her life, she'd always turn to her Christianity which she weirdly put over her own offspring compared to others...


Figures such as the JonBenét Ramsey case that happened 25 years at the time of writing this, let's talk about JonBenét Ramsey's brother who was raised in a Christian household who you could plain as day greatly suspect that he k*lled her out of jealousy. It was clear to me in that family when I researched it, that blood was thicker than a religion.
 

Ismail Ax

"Outrun your problem" Initiate
Being both Christian and somewhat Conversative-leaning on my own family except not much, I believe they were more conversative leaning compared to mine but leaving the political formatics out the door, they still coped with the fact that their one of their children murdered their sibling simply over not only being short of screws but also out of pure psychopathy.

They never broke that bond, never gave up their child to the authorities. If I did anything even remotely similar to that, thankfully I never did, my family would've given me up to the cops almost immediately.

Very selfish in my opinion. I never actually was born like that, but I can see what would've occurred if I did and it would've been personally out of a fake trait of "love" out of part of being a Christian. Coming from a quick verse from the Bible, I never fancied it but here's one I thought I was something to discuss a bit:

"Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him." - Psalm 127:3


I never believed in it, truly. Religion wasn't exactly my strong suit and the only thing that I actually supported out of the religion I was raised into was that it disliked any sense of the word "gay".

Strangely, the current day accepts such tomfoolery from the time of writing this but I always thought it was something completely degenerate and anyone of the past world would even say and think the same. Not even faggotry was an accepted thing of the past and good riddance to it.

Back on track, that's how my parents worked. The Bible said exactly the opposite, but it went reverse into the minds of my folks. I imagine what would've occurred if they never took up Christianity, probably would be lost from head to toe or just vile in nature people.

Hell, the signs were there anyway. I was born in something where I did not belong but you can't choose fate, right? I'd say in my case, it was an eventual deathwish.

Too much times my hands were almost forcefully burned by the fire by a force much stronger than me and me being at the time, a kid, any resistance was futile and things could've gotten much worse crossing past the strict boundaries.
 

Ismail Ax

"Outrun your problem" Initiate
We were on the road by then and it had got mid-night which required us to stay in a quick night in a motel. Next day, we finally manage to arrive there again at night due to slow travel and we had no clue where the flip we was trying to go.

Atleast I didn't due to not being kept up to speed on it like kinda always... It came to us repeatedly stopping people asking for directions where I'd say is a bad thing almost always in life, better off going off into the blind distance than asking strangers where to go.

Something that I was taught and reasonably grasped due to it somewhat making some sense. Came to us going into a petrol station and asking the hillbillies where our destination can be driven to which again was a mistake and an obvious one at that, but my folks were desperate to get some shut-eye and made some dumb decisions.

It took atleast 2 hours of driving until we ran into a cop once again asking for directions and the look of confusion was so present on my folks' faces that the cop actually grasped what was going on and surprisingly to my folks, he lead us to a comfortable place that didn't look like you'd get mugged and it opened a clear window into my mother's head by then due to the less pressure racing through her blood.

We did then find the motel and stayed there for a few weeks till a house was set to rent.

After some weeks passed, we had finally gotten a house by then. It was a medium three-room brick house with a decent spacious living room. My folks both had their own spaces and I had mine, I had the biggest room and it was pretty good living and comfortable but gave me trouble sleeping at night due to the overall space of it. It had to be atleast 20 inches wide, more space than I ever had seen.

However, I didn't need it. More walking room, for sure but I didn't space among my room by the day so it was clearly unneeded. A switch later had to be made months later, but for now that was mine. It was fine living in a nice decent suburb. Unfortunately, it always came with a price...

The house would again have roach infestation and cockroaches at that... Usually, in the kitchen which was pretty bad... During this time, I still had small feuds with my mother from time to time.

It was more calm and just got worse... I swear it would've been like a dysfunctional family program, where feuds were up and down and left and right while vice versa.

Compared to the modern time, it was petty. Close, but still no cigar.

If there was a chance of getting a time machine from the time I write this, I'd have just taken it.

Nothing, I mean, nothing back then could be compared to what was given almost a decade later on. Hell, there's instances of me being inches away from not being able to continue writing this...

All because of my mother's eventual vengeful aggression and years of misery caused by the events around her which I'd say was meek in my regard than with others.
 

Ismail Ax

"Outrun your problem" Initiate
Around this time, my PC had broke due to wear and tear for some reason... It was luckily, out of my control. My mother first thought to point the finger on me which she came real close to doing, but thought better of it later on. Out of the most, I was the one who used the PC most of the time and it seemed a bit sound to blame the one who last used it which my mother claimed she didn't use it before it's destruction.

Thankfully, it was taken as something out of my control after my mother thought more on it. The modern self of her would've immediately went to verbally abusing me for it without knowing the full story due to PCs costing money and that coming out of her monthly paycheck. Somehow, everything I touched, I kinda ruined.

My mother did have the funds to get it back, but held off on it for months to a year just for me to "learn a lesson". At that point, I had nothing. Nothing but my games, fortunately. At this time, I was very bored.


And for months and such, it was truly lackluster. One day, I was lying on my bed contemplating about things. I soon got curious and did something that just sparked into my mind... I took my hand and had put it down my pants to just to play with my penis which I didn't have full understanding about it...

Suddenly out of nowhere of some minutes of playing with it firstly out of boredom, it rose up and I then began getting a nice feeling erupting inside me. It kinda surprised me that it ended up doing a motion compared to being just flaccid.

I used to run around naked after all because of some emotional trauma lingering in my head, but I never did once played with my penis or knew what it was about other than what it was meant for to me at the time, doing everyday business. I had kept playing with it since I enjoyed the feeling of what was happening even though it was a bit alarming on why my penis was standing up like a tower.

It would do things a lot more than I thought it could, but for now it was left alone. Mainly because of me forgetting to lock my door or close it and having my eyes closed during the pleasurable session, my mother had then glanced what I was doing out of pure surprise and asked me "what I was doing".

Because of this, I knew it was a bad thing considering her tone and then quickly turned my back covering my then erection and replied "Nothing!" in a frantic tone due to not wanting any supposed punishment out of it.

My mother didn't reply and simply just left which left me to close my door after that. From time-to-time, I wouldn't touch it again out of fear that my mother would probably come back in unexpectedly since she never learned to knock and couldn't lock my door due to her getting angry when I did. For some reason, she made it "her business" even when I didn't see it as anything harmful or atleast not to my knowledge at the time.

If it was dangerous, she would've informed on it due to still having somewhat an "heart" and not just acting plain vindictive and cold towards me later on during the years. I would try my hand at this once again and when I did, finally something occurred which shocked me almost to the core and I immediately stopped doing it. It came from playing it, then rubbing it, then outright jerking due to the pleasure getting better when it was jerked.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, an ooze of sticky clear fluid spurted out which would later get white and it took me completely by surprise to the point where I tried to register in my mind "what the fuck happened".

I had lost all sense of pleasure by then and left it at that while also cleaning up the mess I made. After researching it later on when I had the means to, I would find out that it was supposed to happen.

After realizing, I would again try my hand on the pleasure stuff. It was something to do whenever I was bored and such. I would also lock my door disregarding what my mother said and unknown to me, made things even worse between us.

I didn't quite understand why she wanted the door unlocked at all times, but I believe it had something to do with a past occurrence where I used to laugh quite a bit into the night and a neighbor that was next to us went up and banged onto the window where the noise was coming from which also left me very shocked when that occurred as I reported it to my mother and it was found out that the neighbor only did it because he had to go to work and my laugh was loud enough by echo to travel to his bedroom or sleeping area.

The neighbor's brother would also come by the following day to apologize on what occurred, but making up an excuse that his brother "had a bad childhood" growing up which lead him to do what he did, this occurring without my knowledge and me only finding out years later.

My folks believing "it wasn't necessary to tell me". As time went on, I would continue jerking my penis and expecting what would happen which was a bit unnerving still but I learned to get used to it due to the information which didn't take long for me to believe much at the time. The boredom brought down left me to the sessions past-time in between gaming and sometimes drawing.

I would even do it twice just because I was that bored. I didn't know about lubrication which wasn't brought up to me, so I did it completely and utterly dry which ended up tearing something near my sack and a decent pain happening around there whenever I decided or had to yawn. For some reason, the pain only happened when I yawned.


It didn't bother me at first, but it didn't go away which lead to me being forced to bring it to my mother and she also forcing me to show me the area where it is which I had to cover the graphic side especially when my other relative was in the room wanting to figure out what was happening. There was actually something there and it was quite pimply and red, either it was a rash or something else of the matter.

My mother immediately telling me to "stop masturbating" which I didn't know the name of it and also that she knew I did it due to the times I would repeatedly lock the door.

Why she thought this from this jump, I do not know... Especially at my age where a usual kid would be drawing and I was instead choking the chicken which she immediately grasped whenever the door was locked.

I obeyed this advice, but my sheltered situation still wasn't helping me take my mind off of it.
 

Ismail Ax

"Outrun your problem" Initiate
I would again do this behind my mother's back and there was times where I couldn't help it but to lock the door in case she actually barged in which only happened once and thankfully, I was covered when it happened.

My mother would also immediately shut the door and complain a bit from behind the door and walk away during this one occurrence. It was annoying, but I didn't have much to do other than simply playing video games and doing drawings that was pretty amateur but was something nice for the time.

Not to mention, the fun I was having messing around with my games was waking up the neighbors and I wanted to avoid any further conflict. The pleasure session gave about the same or more pleasure/fun and also was quiet. Who could blame me on that? The house was gifted a nice spacious backyard, but my mother for some reason never decided to get a trampoline or any other outdoor activities to justify going outside and Thomas wasn't the young dog he was before for me to play with him.

The only time I had went into the backyard was to give my first bath to a dog which was Thomas, but that was about it... There was one time where Thomas was energetic and needed the exercise at the time as did I and it lead to ball-throwing and other fun games. There was a lot of sheltered production due to my mother's high paranoia, so my activities usually had to be inside.

Not only that, but a pool or trampoline which was out of the question couldn't happen due to not being able to move it into the house where it was secure rather than being unguarded. Unfortunately, this was a rule. Only small things that didn't give the full potential or nothing at all. I had no question about this, so it was assumed I didn't want anything and it never happened.

My behavior from being stuck in the house for a long period of time against my will seemed pretty reasonable even though my mother didn't see it that way and would ocassionally have the nerve to blame everyone else but herself.

A touch of narcissism, if you will.
 

Ismail Ax

"Outrun your problem" Initiate
Within the months, the game "Grand Theft Auto V" was soon to come out and me being an avid fan of the series had me pumped. When I could, would closely follow the game for it's progress while also suffering the surge of fake videos that claimed to be "GTA 5 Gameplay" and such... Stuff you can still see to this day, hilariously. I didn't care since the gameplay looked mesmerising even though it was clearly fake.

The hype never died down while mine fortunately did since I would binge GTA V "leaked content" for some hours a day as I know I was possibly not the only one. At that point, it was release day and my folks didn't have the funds to get the game until a few weeks later which I was contempt with.

I of course had the required hardware due to getting an Xbox 360 2 years prior, out of the fact that I thought Xbox 360 had more fun games compared to the more serious games on Playstation and for my age, that seemed fair. I would have both for variety, but that wasn't my reality.

I was livid on this, but a game that I never did play much anyway had to be sold in return just to get the funds to buy the game that was asking for full price. It took all day, really... I was just pumped the whole time to get home to play it which left my mother a bit annoyed with my quick rush to get home which eventually we did and I was happy, I was confused on the two disc but realized it needed to be installed which took a few hours as my immersion went down because of it and made things more smooth.

By then, it finally loaded up and I liked what was going on but I ended up having a problem that required you to hold the D-pad button which was not shown on my screen and it instead said to "tap" the button rather than hold it.

After a few tries, I was confused and got very disappointed thinking something was messed up and that my hype was wasted... When my mother saw me lying on the bed with a sad and disappointed look on my face, she started insulting me by telling me to "get a life" which was completely unprovoked.

I was pissed off when she said that and I ended up insulting her back when she left the room to myself, but I ended up getting a clear head after thinking a bit more on it and tried again which didn't work until I tried holding it down and then the menu to switch your character had popped up which left me astounded and back into a good mood. It seemed reasonable considering I had waited too long for the game and too far for something to "mess up out of my control" from what I first thought.

My mother of course came back in trying to talk shit when she did nothing to help and only had insulted me which I called her out on and she ended up leaving the room while mumbling to herself. At that point, it was a new thing to play and I liked it. Though, compared to GTA 4, I always thought there was something missing about it.

To this day, I thought the game was kind of a let-down due to it's average story and the gameplay that followed. Not only that, but the company who made it not considering about making any DLC for the game except for the few DLC packs that came around and was mainly for the Online component which I wanted to play as well but didn't have the resources to do so and because my internet didn't work with the Xbox 360 and instead required a plug-in which I didn't have but I didn't think this was a big deal...

The online would later be a big part of my playtime a few years later when I got bored and finally had the means to play it but the single player was the only thing for now and it was enjoyed for the time.
 

Ismail Ax

"Outrun your problem" Initiate
In these times, I would go on walks with my folks around the town to the nearby shopping area which had some occurrences such as when I decided to take my old scooter for a run and when I wasn't looking, ended up hitting a hard bump on the sidewalk and had me falling on my back which left scratches that burned but wasn't that big of a deal.

All the while where my mother just ridiculed me from seeing that and telling me to "immediately get up" because of it. Her lack of care was weird to me... but alas, I didn't give a fuck since she was already getting on my nerves with her "no give a shit" attitude and only getting mad when it was deflected back on her like a true narcissist.

Weirdly, our next errands run after this happened, she had a verbal fight with some young female that looked to be atleast 19 years old or something and had raised her voice from a bit of annoyance to my mother after my mother's repeated requests of wanting a fabric cut to satisfaction since the length didn't work very well for her.

My mother immediately got hostile from this and almost thought about getting violent because she didn't like when people back-talked her but it was "fine" when she did it to others somehow. I was just looking on since things could've gotten worse if I stepped in especially when it was a female-to-female fight, something a man never should put himself in between...

During this, the whole store was looking on and actually thought my mother was in the wrong for getting the way she did which I'd admit she acted completely on impulse and getting even louder when someone did something she thought was "disrespectful".

A product of her anger issues which was uncontrollable and I would have to suffer the scenes for it.

It made me wonder what would happen if I wasn't born in such a family and born with someone else, but that's a mystery truly... The argument got so bad that the manager was called by my mother and basically demanded that her fabric was cut in a certain way which the store could not due to the manufacturer "not wanting their fabrics cut" if it wasn't sold for whatever reason. My mother thought this was ludicrous, as did I.

Her behavior was uncalled for, but she never thought to think so. Her outbursts always was an embarassing sight and she was quick to act rather than think anyway, it made me and still makes me wonder how'd she survive to her age...

Something repeated by me wouldn't fly well and she even admitted that as well, so how come that worked for her, I ask. I guess she just had a stroke of luck at that point and still do as writing this somehow.
 

Ismail Ax

"Outrun your problem" Initiate
Interlude: Christmas 2013:

It was approaching Christmas times and it was decided that a PC needed to be in order considering we had internet but no device that could go on the internet and tablet didn't cut it. Probably it would've saved money, but the same demise like the rest of previous computers would've occurred. Unfortunately, I had that luck on me where everything that was touched eventually broke. No one else had this luck compared to others.

Anything I laid my hands on broke one way or another, out of my control or in my control despite it not still not being intentional from the start. My previous small computer had been infected with viruses due to the amount of stuff I was using that the PC's power could not handle.

It was a small laptop and it unfortunately just did not last long. Completely out of my control by then and it was sad considering it was the perfect size for me as well. It was an burgundy Asus computer and they weren't very powerful in terms of what I wanted.


At the time, I never knew the concept of gaming laptops or gaming computers in general. I always saw them in those displays around the electronic aisles but the price made anything like that completely void considering the money situation my relatives were having at the time. The ones who had glowing lights were what the powerful ones were but even if that was grasped, it was not a thing for me anyway. Gaming was pretty much wanted everytime I wanted a device that could run it. Unfortunately, it was the death of the many computers I was given.

I couldn't stay away and the limited setting of games/consoles I had, it was basically bound to happen and stupidly could've been prevented actually spending a bit more money. That's what my folks were, penny-pinchers even when it made things worse later on.

It's beyond me how they still never managed to change their ways by then.
 

Ismail Ax

"Outrun your problem" Initiate
A few days before Christmas even happened, a few errands run all-day till Evening night, we had made a stop towards Best Buy. This was of no surprise since it was talked about before. Of course it was a simple laptop, nothing fancy. That's what the whole talk was about.

Around this time is where I finally managed to look at what a gaming PC was after looking at the whole selection, my mother glanced this and repeatedly refused to buy anything that was over $500 and a gaming desktop would've been too much luggage as well.

It was an ordinary computer or nothing, considering I really wanted some more entertainment out of my boring sheltered life, I had submitted to this ultimatum. I wasn't kept up to date or I possibly would've just gotten myself the new Playstation 4 or Xbox One that had recently came out.

However, I realize it possibly would've led to the same thing. The laptop was to be shared, of course. There wasn't no "1 gift for you and 1 gift for me" deal due to our ridiculously "low money proportion".

I thought this was fair but it was only because at the time, I didn't realize my folks had money to spare but was just purely selfish. It came from a small gift here and there and that was it.

Around this time, they had okay finances but I did not know any part of this at all. Lot of things concerning that was kept hidden and I actually did think we were in a bad spot until later finding out years later on.

Atleast $50,000 was in our finances by then due to small inheritance from my step-father's death. With that type of money, I should've gotten a bigger gift but so be it, I thought at the time.
 

Ismail Ax

"Outrun your problem" Initiate
When we got home after finding a relatively cheap laptop under $500 due to a holiday sale that was going on as it was sitting in my lap the entire time and I was livid to try it out due to months of not having any entertainment but my small amount of games and consoles, my mother had opened up the thing to make sure it was what it said due to her suspicions of the workers.

I was asking her questions on what I could do on it and such. However, I said something too close to the sun and told her a website that sounded weird and she never heard of, she immediately got aggressive and threatened to beat me if I had did something to the laptop that she just bought and further argued that I was "doing it on purpose as I didn't have to pay for it" which was far from the truth and previous accidents were completely not ill-intentioned.
 

Ismail Ax

"Outrun your problem" Initiate
I was asking her questions on what I could do on it and such. However, I said something too close to the sun and told her a website that sounded weird and she never heard of, she immediately got aggressive and threatened to beat me if I had did something to the laptop that she just bought and further argued that I was "doing it on purpose as I didn't have to pay for it" which was far from the truth and previous accidents were completely not ill-intentioned.

I just had an addiction I couldn't get over and it wasn't actually my fault, but her penny-pinching that caused it. I was a born gamer, what she picked out never had the capability of running the stuff I wanted to play.

Hell, even a 20 year old game could've easily destroyed what she bought just as much. It was weird how shoddily the normal laptops were, but I was naive of knowing this at the time reasonably due to my age. Hilariously, my relatives expected a 10 year old me to actually fully grasp this concept.

After ignoring her threats, I was happy with the PC itself. Of course to avoid any troubles, I did stay away from anything questionable and tried my damndest to stay away from the Roblox addiction that was cursed onto me. It was a drug to my mind and I unfortunately couldn't shake it and later lost.

This time, I did ask my mother for permission before-hand incase anything went wrong and she did accept it by then despite knowing what would occur. Just typing it, I'm confused just the same for her motor process.

She didn't really care until something went wrong and would find me to blame instead. Ever since I managed the concept of pleasuring myself is where I was treated like an "adult of the house", it was absurd.
 

Ismail Ax

"Outrun your problem" Initiate
Chapter 10: Destructive Habits Die Hard

It was a new year, I was livid with depression by then. It had crept up onto me. No way how and when, but I'd say it was halfly due to the stressful situation I was living with. The arguments with my mother escalated even further on for no reason at all.

Around this time, I grew an eating habit. It was genuinely painful as the only solace I had was in my computer or my games. I actually don't know what came over me from the time, but it was not like me. My mother's thinking however was a different story.

Whether it was on purpose or not on purpose, she had a problem as it was draining her resources due to her parsimonious nature. Despite $50,000 being a lot you could manage and everyday eating habits couldn't even put a dent in that, especially with the cheap products that were always bought in my household.
 

Ismail Ax

"Outrun your problem" Initiate
Early 2014:

As I was browsing on my computer one day, I had come across an advertisement that I never in my wildest dreams thought could've been brought up. It was an ad for some project called "Toontown Rewritten". I didn't quite understand the concept at first but after realizing what was actually something tightly enclosed in my heart from my younger self was wondrous.

Toontown being a game that I would play from time-to-time on my now long-dead desktop and even my disappointment from not being there from it's departure party.

The game itself was great while the player-base from my perspective was usually privileged and disgusting to deal with, it always landed me into arguments with others and I always got temp-banned from arguments with the likely kind up to the point where they permanently banned me from ever coming back.

Not even making an account was possible. At the time, VPN wasn't a known thing to me, so mostly everything was done on a current IP. Little did I know, it'd be a mistake not realizing of one.


As I got up to the website, I was so livid with happiness from getting to play my long-desired game again especially when it wasn't heavy-handed on my current hardware either.

That was all Roblox's doing which was another game I was obsessed with. Ironically, it possibly would've saved the eventual demise of this computer if I wasn't turned away so soon from not having a gifted key the game required for sign-up. After no avail of signing in since I didn't have the gifted key, I would search Youtube for how to get one and only ended up with joke videos that were designed to mislead the watcher.

After a day or two, I managed to find a support website that was catered around it. It even had it's own chatroom which I was a lot familiar with using, I of course went in open hands and chatted with the members that were present. It had engaged in good conversation and everything seemed okay, I repeatedly asked questions about the development of the game with the chatroom users who I thought were shady and was hiding something.

It came to me asking them for a "Beta Key" since the game was in it's Beta stages at the time, they absolutely refused and frankly laughed at my attempts of nicely asking for one which I thought was a bit selfish judging by their behavior but I had left it alone and just used it for people to just talk to which they weren't very open with the idea and was just secretly mocking me for no reason thinking I was a "little kid" which was the case.

Despite it being a support forum, it offered really no help at all. I had gotten into other topics by then with the users and one of them being Roblox. I had discussed that it repeatedly gave me viruses on my computer and the other members had argued against this.

It was a nonsensical debate until one member had PM'ed me into discussing Roblox itself until it turned into frustration from him having to repeat his debate of Roblox "not being a virus" despite my long destruction of computers due to it which was partly my fault, but it was also because of an overall addiction.

The user I was debating never let up and after some insults going back and forth, he eventually lost his cool and threatened to take away my internet if I didn't leave the chatroom. I was confused by this and ended up insulting him more because I thought it wasn't even possibly doable. Unfortunately it was.
 

Ismail Ax

"Outrun your problem" Initiate
I didn't realize I was given a timer on me leaving the chatroom or the person was in the process of siphoning my IP to DDoS me. By then, the guy had stopped replying and I did fuck with him a bit more for fun. Eventually, a big mistake on my part. The internet soon went down after half an hour had passed. I was actually shocked on the guy's threat being real.

Unfortunately, I didn't realize it was just a fluke and the internet would eventually come back. When I showed my mother this and being forced to tell the truth despite knowing what would happen, she was very pissed with me and yelled very loudly at me as I sobbed walking back to my room.

I didn't get a beating once again, but I'm thankful it didn't escalate to that. Through my door, I could even hear my mother yelling about what I did to my other relative and such. As I sobbed in my bed, I eventually passed out and fell asleep as it was night-time and my room was dark in itself where the door had to be slightly open.


After I woke up, I realized the internet had came back. My mother was hesitant on giving me back the computer when I eventually found out, but did under another clear threat which wasn't very pleasant.

Apparently, that person I was chatting with was an hacker unbeknownst to me and had kept me away from ever going back to that chatroom again successfully since I didn't want anymore problems.

I thought that person was pathetic to do such a thing, but I was just glad my internet had re-appeared since it was my ass on the line anyhow and at that point, my mother would've definitely removed the computer from my hands for a while and I would be forced to sit in complete boredom except for my games that didn't fill the hole as much.


Hilariously, the person would've had to remove their own access to the internet to do such things as I later researched. It explained why my internet outage was only out for an hour and an half from my mother's revealment since the guy knew I would be suspected by then. Somehow, that person would've gotten their rocks off to me getting a beating from that.

It was purely sociopathic and kept me from riling up people like that until I knew it would harm them just the same and no person would be that idiotic to attempt, atleast so I thought.
 
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